Going crazy

I nearly went crazy this weekend. No, seriously, I came really quite close to losing it. I think the reason I didn't completely crash was that I know that if I do there'll be all the pieces to pick up afterwards, and that just sounds like hard work.

I've got a lot on, that much is true, and a fair few things on my mind at any one time. I'm not an idiot - normally I can deal with that. It is also true however that I am only one person, and a fairly young inexperienced one at that. This is the first time in my life, for instance, that I've been financially independent, and also the first time that I've not had the Next Thing lined up. School to college, college to uni, graduate. Then what? This is a fairly inconvenient time to not know what it is that I wish to do with the rest of my time on this planet, but that's another post for another day. Today is about the things that are stressing me out.

I'm chairing a committee which is running a fairly large event in 6 week's time. That is the source of most of my grey hairs right now. I'm looking for work whilst still working a random handful of hours at my two current jobs. At the same time I'm trying to pay rent and my share of the petrol and eat and not completely go under. Oh, and I'm still camping in my own bedroom, which is a mess, as is the rest of the flat and we were due an Estate Agent inspection this week. Postponed to next week.

A lot of the time I live on a thin balancing line between being active and busy and doing exciting fast-moving things and doing too much and falling apart. This week I teetered on the edge. It was mostly purple with a little navy blue thrown in. There was a little bit of crying (and I'm one for manning it out) and a couple of disturbed nights, and a day when I went to work and was a bit down and quiet and useless. I made it through three hours and fifty-five minutes of a four hour shift and then lost my vision and fell over backwards. A colleague conveniently caught me and promptly sent me home to avoid the chance of paperwork. I made it to a dance class that evening but when it seemed like it was going to go on for a whole ten minutes longer than expected I quickly said my goodbyes and vanished. Normal things took effort beyond what they ought to, and then I found myself lacking in any stamina whatsoever (not normally my strong point but this week I was rubbish). I couldn't wake up and food didn't look appealing and I just felt crappy. I pretty much wasted two and a bit days feeling crappy and got very little of use done doing so.

Yesterday I think I pulled myself (only just) back on to the edge of the precipice. I had to. One meeting at 9am, job interview at 11am, and a planned day of event-running catch-up stuff before a 7pm meeting about that. At 8am work phones wanting me in. So in the end I had a meeting, straight to an interview, bought a sandwich and went to work looking particularly overdressed. I found an old uniform that sort of fitted and got on with the job in hand (price stickers, and lots on them) and it helped. It helped slowly but I was there all day and there was nothing else going on. Thank God for colleagues who have nothing better to talk about. Being at work I had no access to phone or internet or planning notes, and I had a shop to see to and customers to look after. It was the least stressful part of my week so far - being at work. Mental really but that's how it was.

Now what? - dive back in and hope the monster spits me out alive. Keeping a close eye on the relative sizes of my pupils all the while. Wish me luck. I'll hear back about the possible new job before Monday's out, and I might even get to the bottom of a few more organisational issues before then too. Oh, and I'll draw some pictures. My life is never dull, I just wish I had the time to tell you about it.