This is Percy.
Isn't he lovely? Well this was him when he was new (to us) and was still fairly clean and worked properly and stuff. He's been working fairly hard for his keep since then. He's had some new belts and a new wheel bearing and is still going. For both of these things I took him (with company and moral support) to a overall-wearing Mechanic in a Garage and tried to look knowledgeable and not like an idiot girl who doesn't really know how a car works.
I understand the basics, but cars are currently beyond the range of things I'll happily tinker with. Too much can go bad if you tinker incorrectly. I'll change the wiper blades, top up the oil and tape things back down again. That's about the limit. When I find a ramp to get him on I'll probably get in there and attempt to fix the little tube that goes from the screenwash to the scooshers on the front windscreen. After that I give in and go find a Boy.
He has a list of small "boo-boos" that'll need seeing to fairly soon, and most definitely before he starts thinking about an MOT. I'm going with the baby-steps approach of dealing with one of these things at a time. Today I found myself finishing work an hour early and being sent to Halfords on an errand. Shopping for distilled water, no less. For tiny shrimp that we'll be selling at the shop that is one of my jobs. I live a varied and unpredictable life.
Where was I? At Halfords. 5L of distilled water. Check. Ooh, Percy needs a lightbulb. I secretly quite like the way that Halfords has small flip charts where you can find the make and age of your car and know what item you need to buy without having to ask and look dumb. So here I am in the lightbulb section, having identified the lightbulb I need, yet thinking to myself "How in heck do I change the lightbulb in the car headlight?"
So this is how I did it. My idiot's guide to changing a lightbulb.
#1 Pay for your heavy pointless purchases and then bamboozle the bloke behind the till by asking if you can leave it behind and come back for it in an hour or so.
#2 Walk home, not carrying heavy pointless purchase.
#3 Make tea, drink tea (insert optional Terry Pratchet reading here).
#4 Change. This bit is important. Female drivers have a statistically inaccurate reputation for being bad drivers, bad parkers and being more concerned with fluffy steering wheel covers and not having to walk too far in high heels than about keeping the car running. I don't want to ever be mentally placed in this box by anyone. I can park (I drive possibly the smallest 5-seater car there is these days, I really can't get away with not being able to park it). I feel at this point it's important to look a bit scruffy. Not too manly, just capable-looking. For this I went for hoody, jacket, and a pair of fairly baggy jeans made baggier by being at least a size to big. Not the most attractive look, but it works in this one scenario. In fact, these are my go-to jeans whenever I need to go ask someone else to fix something I can't quite manage.
#5 Now having achieved the Look, you can drive to Halfords. Park, and pull the bonnet-opening thingy so it'll be ready to open once you've found a bloke and a light-bulb.
#6 Wander in looking collected and look for someone in the right uniform. "I'd like a lightbulb and someone to change it". When asked what the car is, say it quickly, pronouncing everything right as if it's just one of your fleet of Mechanical Things That You Know All About.
#7 Find a bloke in a high-vis vest and take him to the car. Open the bonnet without having to feel around for the catch for too long, or ask him how to. Apologise for the rust. Explain that this is Important Structural Rust. Turn on the light so he can see that it's not on, and turn it back off again so you don't fry him. It's generally seen as impolite, and they possibly charge extra.
#8 Find some form of fruit, I went for little oranges, and discuss brake pads, and alternators and your car's entire service history, whilst eating aforementioned fruit and looking not too interested (but paying enough attention that you'll be able to do it yourself the next time). Fruit is essential in the car. I once carried an apple around in the car for a number of weeks, intending to eat it and never did. My argument was that the presence of the fruit made the general environment slightly healthier and therefore did a little to counteract the universal unhealthiness of driving somewhere that you could probably get to by other means if you tried hard enough and had all day.
#9 Listen to the high-vis man sing a few verses of Kumbyah for your listening pleasure.
#10 Make generic "Thank you, I'd have done it myself, but I'm so busy. I'm totally capable of this, really" noises. "Cheers" may sound suitable at this point.
#11 Cough up the £3 for the pack of two lightbulbs (and take a mental note to stow the spare away in the glove compartment with the emergency biscuits and the manly car stuff) and £4 for the man to change it. Remember your pointless distilled water and feel momentarily grumpy about having to carry an extra 5 kilos to work on Monday morning.
#12 Tell no-one. Drive home with the window open and announce that you have come home victorious having changed the lightbulb in the car. Mention nothing of the Kumbyah-ing high-vis man. Resolve to bloody-well do it yourself next time.
- Did you know that Haynes don't make a Manual for a Daewoo Matiz but they do have one for the U.S.S. Enterprise? Like that's any good to me.
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